Why 'Self-Protecting and Wise' Decisions Have Nothing to Do with Sexual Assault: An Open Let

Dear Mayim Bialik,

I am not a perfect 10. I'm a plain, awkward, maybe-sexy-if-the-lighting-is-right goofball of a seven in the "real world." In Hollywood I would

be a three. But rating women is sexist, so who really cares, right? I understand many of the points in your recent op-ed in the New York Times. You illuminate a major problem with the way many men reduce women to their sexuality, and the way many women have a deeper desire to be aesthetically appealing rather than intelligent, strong, independent women. I also realize your article speaks to the world of Hollywood, but most of us don't live in that world; yet we face similar issues to those you mention. Also, these issues are not just faced by women. Sexual violence is something that women, men, and non-binary individuals experience. This is a problem that is deeply rooted in our culture. But what is equally problematic, actually more so, is something else your article illuminates--rape culture.

As a quiet gal from a low-income family who grew up in farm country, I have always been the friend. The wing-woman. The third wheel. I'm quirky and silly and my idea of being sexy is wearing cute underwear that I'm likely the only one to see anyway. If I had a dating profile, it would probably read, "Likes long walks through bookstore aisles, can't resist a good zombie thriller, and wants to marry Kate McKinnon (in full Ghostbusters apparel)." I take self-defense classes, and dress modestly, and I don't act flirtatious with men either. I don't even date men. I make decisions that you might call "self-protecting and wise." But guess what? None of this has kept me out of the world of sexual harassment or assault. Why? Because it has nothing to do with my choices.

I didn't flirt with the guy who sexually assaulted me and tried to rape me when I was sixteen. I didn't dress sexually in front of him. I didn't lead him on. Not once. I was wearing red, oversized pajama pants and a hooded sweatshirt. I was also sleeping, and awoke to the assault and attempted rape in shock and horror, but managed to get away. I only ever told one person about the incident until now (and he didn't believe me--he said maybe it was a nightmare, or maybe I was confused). So, I pretended it never happened, because I didn't want anyone to question my sanity or actions.

I am 28 now. I work in higher education. I am a serious writer, a single mom, and still plain, awkward, and quirky. I am strong-willed, polite but assertive, and although I'm not a neuroscientist, I am an educated, intelligent woman. I have been sexually harassed more times than I can count. The most recent incident involved a guy buying me a drink at a local bar, and when I told him "thank you," he said I could pay him back by taking my top off for him. I was wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. I know--oozing sexuality, right?

Mayim, maybe women should concentrate on their minds rather than their looks. We all should. But when you say that you have not experienced sexual harassment or assault (and I'm glad you haven't), because of the way you dress or present yourself in public, you also imply that other women who do experience sexual harassment and assault do so because of the way they dress or present themselves in public. Maybe you're awkward and nerdy and "not a perfect 10" and haven't dealt with these things, but so am I, and I have. Your article perpetuates a culture that consistently looks at what survivors of sexual violence are doing wrong, rather than looking at how we can stop those committing acts of sexual violence. I don't deserve to be harassed because of my choices. Sexy women don't deserve to be harassed because of their choices. Slutty women don't deserve to be harassed because of their choices. Nobody does. It's not about what we wear or how we present ourselves, and if we are making our choices specifically to avoid harassment, we're still victims of rape culture. We need to stop victim-blaming and teach our young men to respect women. We can also teach our young women to respect their own bodies without implying that if they dress a certain way they'll probably get raped. We need to focus on the source of the problem, and that will not be accomplished by slut-shaming and victim-blaming.

Yours Truly,

Ashley

#metoo