4 Ways to Find Your Best Self: Goal-Setting vs New Year's Resolutions

As December slowly fades to black, I'm doing what many others are doing this time of year. I'm scribbling down a list of resolutions--ways I want to improve myself and my life in the next 365 days and beyond. This process involves me examining my flaws and wondering how I need to change. For example, I'm always late, I'm messy, and I have strayed drastically from my workouts. I spend too much money at the local brewery and a handful of local restaurants. I do believe happiness involves constant self maintenance and improvement, so a desire to eliminate these flaws seems natural. Change is pivotal to growth. But I think there are stronger, healthier ways to journey into a brand new year other than carrying our flaws like a weighted backpack up a steep mountain. Here are four positive ways that you can find your best self in the New Year (or any other time you want to start).

1. Let go of everything you know about New Year's resolutions.

Why is the New Year's resolution such a positive trend? The tradition is believed to have started with ancient Babylonians making promises to their gods at the beginning of each year regarding paying debts, etc. Fast forward to 2017--the western world. We are still making promises, only now they're to ourselves. Unlike in ancient Babylonian times, our promises now lack any sense of urgency for accomplishing these goals. Instead of letting down our gods, we're just letting ourselves down. We promise ourselves we will "lose weight" or "exercise more." We spend money on gym memberships that we stop using by March, and purchase supplements and cookbooks for diet fads we will only follow until our carb cravings get strong enough. Some of us stick to our goals, but many of us make resolutions simply for the sake of having a resolution to make on New Year's Eve, or we just lose our way and give up.

Let go of your idea of the New Year's resolution. Stop thinking about the things you hate about yourself, and start thinking of your goals in terms of how you want to strengthen what's already great about you. Self-improvement is allowed, and encouraged, but that doesn't mean holding a magnifying glass to your flaws in order to do it.

Be realistic about what you want for yourself, and treat yourself like one of the gods. If you're going to set a goal, make it a promise that you can and will keep. If you're motivated by advertisements or trending products, it's likely that your goals are being set by corporations, and not by your will to grow as an individual. Focus on who you are becoming, who you want to be, and what you want to accomplish in life. Then set your goals. If it happens on Decemember 31, great. If it happens on a random Tuesday in the middle of July, wonderful. Just know what you want and go after it.

2. Put positive thoughts into the universe.

A friend recently asked me about my goals for the New Year. I responded, "I don't want to be late all the time." She told me if I wanted to set a goal for myself, I had to put positive energy into the universe to get positive energy back. If I set a goal in such a negative manner, I'm less likely to see positive results. Whether you believe in what my friend is saying about the universe or not, she makes an excellent point. Making goals with such negativity is a great way to set ourselves up for failure.

My goal isn't actually to stop being late. My goal, in very loose form, is to be on time. Maybe this seems silly, but language matters, even when we're just using it on ourselves. This is scientifically proven, and vital to goal-setting. In a 2012 article in Psychology Today, Christopher Bergland describes a study that was conducted at the Institute of Cognitive Sciences in France. Bergland writes, "hearing a verb related to physical action automatically increases the force with which people grip objects. If the word is presented in the negative form, it does not increase strength. The researchers observed a significant increase in strength when words were presented in an affirmative sentence, but no such reaction when the same action words were presented in a negative context."

So, as my friend explained, by using positive language to make goals for yourself, you're more likely to set yourself up for success than if you make them using negative language. Let go of words like "don't," "won't," or "stop" and put stronger, more positive phrases into the universe.

3. Be specific!

Sure, I would love to lose a little more weight this year. But that isn't my goal. First of all, it uses negative language, which we've already discussed. But it is also incredibly vague. If I focus more on what I truly want for myself, I quickly realize that I would much rather be stronger than thinner. But that is too loose of a goal as well. I know which workouts have yielded the best results for me, and I know that I have some big hikes coming up that I want to prepare for. So a more appropriate goal for me might be to do my regular workouts 3-5 times a week, and start a specific walking/hiking routine 4-5 days a week to start. This is a much more realistic goal, and I have something to measure now. If I only workout twice in a week, I know what I need to do the next week to get back on track. If this exercise routine begins to feel like it isn't challenging me later in the year, I can adjust my goal as needed.

I would also like to improve my writing routine in the new year. But this isn't specific or measurable. I'm more likely to accomplish this goal if I consider a daily writing time. If my goal is to write every day for an hour before work, and every Tuesday and Thursday from 8:00-10:00, I'm much more likely to succeed.

We are less likely to accomplish a goal that doesn't have strong guidelines or can't be measured. Another example includes a close friend who would like to quit smoking this year. Her goal can't be to quit smoking. We don't generally let go of habits by just saying "I'm not going to do this highly addictive thing anymore--tada!" The more appropriate step to take is for her to first analyze how many cigarettes she is currently smoking per day, and to assess a realistic timeline for quitting. Perhaps for the first month she will try to cut down from ten cigarettes a day to six, and the next month she will try to cut down to three. It's important to make the goal realistic, and to set it in as specific terms as you can.

4. Remember: Not all goals are about changing your flaws.

One of my favorite things to do is travel. I like to travel around my state, my country, and around the world. But, I'm a single mom. People have actually said to me, "Should you be doing all of that traveling when you have a daughter at home?" I refrain from giving these people a lecture about how moms do, indeed, want to enjoy life outside of motherhood as well, or explaining that I'm divorced and only have my daughter half the time (but thanks for the reminder, jerks). But I've learned to let go of the small-town chatter that is inevitable in such a place as north central PA. Aside from the opinions of others, it is difficult to coordinate travel around my time with my daughter, especially on a single mom's budget. So, last year I set a goal for myself to go on at least one big adventure each year to a place I've never been. In 2017 that was a road trip to Acadia National Park in Maine. In 2018 it will be to Iceland. One of these destinations I was able to drive to, and the other requires a flight, hostel reservations, currency exchange, potential language barriers, and more. But they're both big adventures to me regardless of distance from home, because they both place me far outside of my comfort zone. This goal isn't about fixing some self-proclaimed inadequacy. It's about growth and curiosity. I think it's important to set goals for different types of self-improvement, and to not only be concerned with the things we don't like about ourselves. I promise, you can improve yourself without losing twenty pounds or getting sexy abs.

A New Year's resolution is a good idea in theory, but we have turned it into some item on a checklist of holiday traditions. If you're going to set goals for yourself, don't be limited by the New Year's resolution box of societal expectations. Make promises you know you can keep. Use positive language in your goal-setting. Be as specific as you can be, and make a solid plan. Most importantly, set goals that are right for what you truly want in life. Set goals that get you excited about accomplishing them. Then when you're ready...do it.